BOOMj Expert: WATCHFUL LOVE . . .

2008-08-15 17:19:16
Source: Scott Saulson
By: RabbiSaulson

Written By: Scott Saulson

. . . can prevent worn-out love if we care-givers adopt three time-tested guidelines.

by

Rabbi Scott B. Saulson, PhD

I

“In the case of the loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop down. Grab the mask and strap it over your face first. Then assist . . . .”

The spirits of duty and generosity propel us into care-giving when there is a loss of “cabin pressure,” when infirmities and disabilities in others appear as we had anticipated or catch us off guard. In either case, we imperil ourselves as well as the ones needing our care the moment we ignore the “first me” instruction.

II

Before we land, let us recall that none of us is permitted to sit in an exit row should we be unable or unwilling to carry out emergency exit procedures. In care-giving-ese, we must acknowledge our limitations and get help to compensate for them.

III

Finally, whether aloft or earthbound, more often than not care-givers hold the upper hand in the care-giving relationship. While we may not necessarily seek to exploit that imbalance, we may be prone to convincing the one who looks to us for care to go along with some particular plan. Yet, if we are seeking cooperation and conciliation, we must put aside convincing. Instead, all of us involved must share our own doubts, concerns, and fears as well as our own needs, commitments, and limitations.

How do we do this without appearing either self-serving or self-effacing? How do we do this without coming across as callous or injurious? How do we do this when even the best laid plans of mice and men encounter moments which try our patience and test our fortitude?

Wisdom dictates that we emulate Michelangelo’s depiction of Creation in the vault of the Sistine Chapel – the forefingers of God and Adam stretched one toward the other. Not that the two can ever really touch – Divinity and Humanity approximate yet remain distinct, even as we can never really get inside someone else’s skin let along fully understand and appreciate our own selves. Nonetheless, if we truly seek cooperation and conciliation, we will stretch forth and try to touch – to touch and not convince.

Rabbi Saulson offers counseling and mediation to families negotiating care issues, families who are trying to touch. He is also a support group facilitator for the Alzheimer’s Association. www.MovingParents.org

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